So, with tears streaming down my face, a nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach, and my hands sweating and shaking I called Kaiser and said the words "postpartum depression" to the person on the other end of the line. The barrage of questions that ensued caused me to wonder whether I had done the right thing. I began to panic that these people were going to think I was a danger to myself or my babies and come take them or me away. I found myself answering their questions very carefully but simultaneously wondering if I was a danger to myself or my babies. Of course not! But? It was then that I realized that making the call was a very important step for me to have taken.

My day continued to be horrible and in desperation I reached out to the one person I believed would be understanding; my husband. I got no response over and over for a few hours. Later in the evening, I poured my heart out to him and my mother to ask for support and understanding. I think I got a little less than I was expecting. Questions about why I was feeling bad, what was making me feel this way, and a whole lot of silence. And then, this morning, when I could have used a hug more than anything in the entire world, I got a shoulder squeeze before he headed off to work. I'm here to tell you that a shoulder squeeze DOES NOT sustain you through a panic attack at the realization that you are once again alone with the babies when you're in the midst of a deep and dark depression.

Somehow I have managed to crawl halfway out of the hole this morning and function as a fraction of my former self but I feel "on the brink". My appointment is in 2 1/2 hours and while I'm happy to have my mom available and willing to watch my kids for me so that I can go, I dread the confrontation with her. I pray there isn't one but my mental health has always been a very touchy subject in my family. It is the main reason for my hesitation to reach out for help in the first place. The history there is very old but still very raw.

I usually pride myself on being courageous and strong and while I know with my head that taking this step IS courageous, I still feel weak and a very real sense that I have somehow let my family down by admitting that I might need help getting through it this time. I looked at my sweet baby sleeping in my husband's arms last night and once again the tears began flowing. She looked so innocent and perfect and the only words I could form were, "Too bad she has such a crappy Mommy." That's not true, though. I know it's not. It's because I love my babies so much that I want to feel better. And it is for my babies that I will give myself the hug I so desperately need and drag myself through the doors of that doctor's office this afternoon.

I am reminded of a story I used to hear when I was in Mary Kay about the donkey in the hole (because I feel like I am in a hole of sorts as well). Like the donkey, I am going to shake this off and step up until I am out of this hole. I am determined to find my joy once again. **If you don't know the story, you can read it here: The Donkey Story.**

Then there are the people who "don't believe in depression". "You should just be happy." Oh yeah, why didn't I think of that? It's a good thing that I'm this amazingly "all together" person who never suffers from postpartum depression, who never feels completely defeated by a high-strung 7-year old with behavioral issues and low self-esteem, a 1 1/2 year old hell-bent on throwing impressive tantrums, and a newborn who does nothing more than eat, sleep, scream, and shit. It's a good thing I thrive on little adult interaction 6 out of 7 days a week. It's a good thing I have no dreams, skill, or talent so that I'm not worried about them being totally wasted while my brain rots on washing laundry and barely keeping up with cleaning a house that everyone else is intent on keeping messy and dirty. It's all good because if I was suffering from postpartum depression and needed to make an appointment to speak with a professional, I would have to go with two screaming babies in tow.

The reason: because it's simply inconvenient for me to be unable to deal with life right now. After sacrificing my body for 9 months for an unplanned, less than desirable pregnancy and almost dying for the second time after delivery (nope, not exaggerating); after sacrificing my dreams for, yet another, indeterminable period of time, it is just simply not acceptable for me to NEED anything in return. Why should I have a problem with any of this anyway? I'm a woman, this is just what we do, and happily. Damnit, I should know my place. It's supposed to be buckets of sunshine to be a mother and a housewife. TO HELL WITH AMBITION! It's inconvenient.

So, as to not inconvenience anyone, I will strive and struggle and ultimately "deal" in silence with the thoughts that plague me until this 4th trimester is over just like I have in the past. I will pretend that life is all bunnies and rainbows and forget that my life has been disrupted, much less my schedule. My mantra shall be, "There's no such thing as hormones. There's no such thing as hormones."

That was the "beginning". And now I am in the middle of the one of the greatest upheavals of my 30 year life. Until this week, I was sure of certain things. Now I am a vast ocean of questions and curiosities. I can't say that's necessarily a bad thing. I'm naturally inclined toward the curious. So much so that I'm tempted to change the name of this blog. :)

To put it in "short", I have never been an advocate for women much. I don't enjoy being one most of the time. I don't enjoy what most would say are "womanly" activities (besides pedicures). But I am drawn to or even "called to" the benefit of women. Early in my "born-again" Christian life, I felt like self-esteem was what I had been called to. In the pursuit of that, I felt even deeper called into the life of writing on the same subject. As a matter of fact, the path my life has taken has lead me toward fulfilling these "destinies".

**I started this blog entry a year ago last month. It is interesting how much further into this very topic I have journeyed since that time. I began electrology school in April which set in stone my desire to pursue electrology as a career and reaffirmed my calling to heal the wounded self-esteems of women. I was able to see how my career puts me in the perfect position for this. In June, we found out we would be welcoming another baby (a girl) into the world. And in September, I became co-moderator of our online Expecting Club. Later, I also became the Community Leader for the Birth Control board for the same online community. My sphere of influence continues to grow.

As it has grown, so has my love for women on the whole and what we deal with and have to overcome on a daily basis to succeed in this gender-biased world. I have also had the opportunity to witness how women can be the enemy of women. It both saddens and angers me when I see women tearing down other women or making comments that set our entire gender back 2 steps for every move forward. It's endlessly frustrating and exhausting. Sometimes it feels utterly futile. I will, however, keep plugging along because I am no quitter.

It is quite by synchronicity that I came across this "lost" post today because I came here with the intentions of posting an entry expressing my frustration with women bashing other women for their choices in feeding their babies. Why is this something that women even need to be arguing about? Why is this such a hot topic? I DO NOT UNDERSTAND!!!

There must be something that happens, physiologically, when a woman breastfeeds her baby that causes her to feel superior for doing so. I wouldn't know because when I was breastfeeding my babies, I also had D-MER, so the physiology going on with me was negatively affecting my opinion of breastfeeding. Because of this, I formula-fed all of babies for the majority of their first year. It was the right decision for me and my family. Who is anyone else to judge this? Why is it even anyone's business? I applaud anyone who has successfully breastfed their babies. I especially applaud anyone who has overcome difficulties to do so. But I also applaud anyone who has made the heart-ripping decision NOT to breastfeed their babies. I've seen women (and been one of them) who agonize with the decision to switch to formula. What gives anyone the right to crucify these women for making that choice?

I believe that to be a mother is the most difficult job on the planet. We should be reaching out to one another and holding each other up, not pulling the props out from under others and ourselves. We have enough pressure and judgement from other sources and stereotypes to make it hard to stand. We should at least be kind and sympathetic to each other.

We all have the same job to do; raising healthy, happy, and productive human beings. And if my mission is to help heal and restore self-esteem to women, then it must also be to nurture healthy self-esteem in little girls, namely my own daughters. I can do this by allowing them to see me loving and helping other women and mothers. We all need to be setting this example. /rant (before I go off on another tangent).

To have thought that I wanted something so badly, when the news came on Friday, you wouldn't have believed it. I shrank in fear and burst into tears, hanging on to the present for dear life. Amazing what a good night's sleep can do for you. The next morning I felt brave enough to reach out my hand toward the future. I felt like a child closing my eyes and turning my head while sticking my toe out toward the water, afraid it will be freezing cold. Thanks to many years of experience, I now realize much sooner that I can't live my life with one foot in the water and one foot on the shore, torn between the two. So, I let go....and clarity was the result.

Leaving home in the first place required a tremendous act of courage and faith on my part. I never dreamed it would be almost as difficult to go back. In my imagination, it was my leaving that opened up all of the possibilities for my dreams to come true. Blessings beyond my wildest dreams! My initial fear was that if I went back it would mean I was a failure or that all of the bad things that had caused me to want to leave in the first place would begin to happen again. Clarity was realizing that I had come full circle and it is now "time" for me to go home. I am a different person in most every sense of the word than when I originally left. My experience of "home" will be different this time. And the blessings continue to abound!

So, while I will miss pretty much everything about New England, I let go and leave a piece of my soul and spirit behind. I am excited about another adventure; one that I intend to fully immerse myself in. One that I go into with three amazing people and another amazing person on the way. I know that with them at my side and some blind faith, taking a leap can only land me right in the middle of His will for me.

Life is good, folks! Let go of what lies behind and embrace what is ahead! Story of my life. :)

There were several other synchronistic moments that lead up to that one but that was the one that made me pay attention. Since that moment, my life has been quite the unexpected adventure. And my dreams are coming true! It amazes me daily what has come to be by stepping out in obedience to Faith. There were times it seemed as if I was going the opposite of what ought to have been the easiest way to get where I needed to be. When "our" plan was for Mike to move to GA and then he accepted a position in Hawaii, nothing could seem more impossible. So, I left my comfort zone and I went too. The blessings that followed are innumerable. While some of "my" questions were left unanswered, we were unquestionably where we were meant to be. Our wedding was the most special and meaningful evening of my life.

Shortly after, we found out we were expecting Caleb. The move to Boston was another unexpected synchronistic event. It couldn't be a mistake that we were moving to the state where I was living when our relationship originally unfolded. It couldn't have been an accident that we ended up moving 17 miles away from the school I had been wanting to attend for the past 2 years. And then, again, it seemed like things were going backwards just to go forward. Nothing makes sense when it seems as if nothing is going your way. And then, stepping out just a little, doing something daring, gets things rolling again.

The last two months of my life have been the most joyous I have ever known. Mine and my family's future looks absolutely amazing. Now, I'm sure you can understand how sometimes a 'hitch' in 'your' plans can cause things to look bleak. So, I'm also sure you can sympathize with how shocked we were last weekend to discover that we would be adding a 5th family member in about 9 months or so. But if you read the opening paragraph of this blog entry I'm sure you also know that I don't believe in accidents.

Everything requires an adjustment period no matter how perfect or imperfect it may seem. A week of reflection was all I needed to become the happiest expectant mother on the planet. I have the most incredible, adventurous, and blessed life of anyone that I know, personally. Not only will this miracle of a child bless my husband and myself, but my other two children as well. The blessings are already obvious to me. In this one week, alone, I have realized that I love being "me"! On my amazing journey, I have come to discover who I am. It is so much easier to wake up in the morning and just be me instead of wishing I had someone else's life. I think there are a lot of people who struggle daily with themselves and I'm very happy to finally be at peace.

While this baby may not have been part of "our" plans, experience tells me that life is about to become much richer, more colorful, more exciting, and beyond anything that we could think, hope, or dream. (Eph. 3:20) I am more excited than I could possibly be!

Experience has also taught me that there are always people who, not only, will not share my excitement and enthusiasm, but will try to discourage me and bring me down. A benefit of knowing who I am and trusting Him in crazy Faith is that I've come to understand that the only opinions that matter are those of my husband and my children. How someone else feels about my choices and my life is their business. My bliss is no longer dependent on someone else. By the way, didn't you know that 3 is the new 2? Ha!

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew and approved of you..." Jeremiah 1:5