I woke up to the sound of thunder and heavy rain followed by Kinley crying to be fed. It was an hour before my alarm was set to go off. I never did go back to sleep. Getting Reagan ready for school went much more smoothly today than yesterday even though both Kinley and Caleb were in their beds screaming and crying the whole time and Mike was getting ready for work so was unable to help. I did my best to "tune them out" but was really daydreaming of cramming sharp objects into my eardrums.
Reagan and I got in the car and started the rainy drive to school with all of the other morning commuters. I wasn't in the mood for music so I turned on the old talk radio AM show I used to listen to every single morning on my way to work in the downtown Atlanta traffic (back when I had a REAL job). I suddenly felt a longing I haven't felt in a very, very long time. I longed to be stuck in morning traffic with my travel mug of coffee in hand. I reminisced about walking into the Starbucks downtown and getting my hot coffee and blueberry scone before taking the elevator up to the 21st floor of one of the coolest places in the city. I longed so deeply for it that I could smell that wonderful Starbucks smell, feel the nylon of my hose, and hear the clicking of my heels on the city sidewalk.
In all honesty, there were many times when I hated my job back then. I hated the commute and the traffic. I hated the heels and the hose. When I thought about it, the sad realization was that I missed my freedom. I did all of those things on my own and with a certain personal confidence and satisfaction. Now, I wear pajamas all day, rarely fix my hair and makeup, and am lucky to get to shower at midnight just to wash the sweat, spit-up, and dried food off of me.
I dropped R off at school and began the drive back home. The closer I got the more I dreaded getting out of the car and going back into 'the house of screaming kids'. "What if I just keep driving?" I had joked about having that thought before while chatting with my "mommy friends" over coffee. The exception was that this time I was actually entertaining the idea. All I had with me was my wallet and my cellphone. I reasoned that those were all I needed anyway. Clothing and toiletries could be purchased later. I could go to a hotel and shower, change, and brush my teeth. I figured I had enough cash and my credit card; I could make it to Colorado in about two days.
Alas, as I approached our subdivision I turned left and pulled into our driveway. I sat there in the car looking inside our windows for about 10 minutes before forcing myself to get out and go inside. I wish I could say that once I got inside that I looked around and realized all that I would miss if I left but I can't. I got inside and Mike was leaving for work, we were out of soy milk and diapers, and the baby was still crying. I immediately felt reduced, diminished, and wasted by life and motherhood.
I didn't think it was possible to hate every single second of your life but I do. I truly, truly do right now. I hope, in time, that it will change. But today is looking bleak. I hope that anyone reading will forgive me a totally despondent and pessimistic entry. I'm just not feeling particularly hopeful or encouraged. Perhaps the sun needs to come back to GA. It has been rainy since Saturday morning.
I've had these days.
I've laid on the couch praying the baby would sleep all day so I didn't have to move.
No one understood when I tried to explain my feelings.
No one but the online PPD mummas.
There are low lows.
But then there will be highs.
With support it can get better.
I know that feeling. I used to drive around and look at for sale signs on condos and long to buy one and live in it by myself. To never go back to my daily life. I know just how overwhelming that feeling is.
I don't really know what to say to help, except that we're here. Keep talking about it - I think it helps. And trust that the feeling will pass.
I've been there. I've been there so many times. I'm still there at times. Nothing anyone can say will make it better. The only advice I can give you was given to me by another PPD mom: It came to pass.
It doesn't pass quickly. It doesn't pass easily. BUT it came to pass. Not stay. PASS.
Don't try and take it one day at a time, that's overwhelming and scary. Don't even go for one hour. One MINUTE is sometimes all I can manage. Breathe. Pray. And remember, it came to pass.
We're here. All of us PPD moms are here. Talk about it. Blog about it. Dump your thoughts. We won't judge you, we've all been there. And guess what? It passed.
You don't need to ask for any kind of forgiveness for writing such a poignant and real post.
Kate is right...think about it...this is one of the hardest days you've had so far, and no doubt you had a similar day (or days) with R and C. And, it finally did pass, and you found your joy again.
You will find your joy again, I promise you.
All my love...
Thank you all for being so encouraging! I am overwhelmed by the love and support.