As the weekend is winding down I find my mood also winding down. Mike was actually able to take two days off and it has been heaven having him home with me. But Monday morning will inevitably come and just that thought sends me into a panic. I am terrified at the mere thought of being alone. I get a knot in my stomach and fear so intense that I want to throw up. Friday, I begged (yes, literally) him not to go to work. I'm wretched for doing so because he then, full of guilt, had to leave me a sobbing mess in our living room.
We went to my mom and dad's today and I found myself wishing we could just stay there. And maybe tomorrow I will take the two younger ones over there to hang out during the day. For some reason I am less "lonely" there even though there will be no one home. It somehow feels safer.
What is my deal? I told Mike tonight that I really wish I knew why this was happening. I bonded with Kinley almost instantly when we were in the hospital (much sooner than my other two) and for the first two weeks I couldn't take my eyes off of her. Now, when I look at her, I want to run. I feel utterly empty.
Mike, being the amazing husband that he is told me that I can't ask questions like why it's happening because it just is. It's just so frustrating to feel so incredibly lost and hopeless. I am a person who is normally IN LOVE with my life. And it's killing me to not be able to feel that right now. It's as if something vital in me died and is gone forever. And I am paralyzed. I have no idea what to do now.
There will undoubtedly be someone reading this who doesn't understand at all. And that's okay. I am blogging about this because it's therapeutic for me and if I can help even one other mommy to know that she's not alone in feeling this way, then it wouldn't have been for nothing that I suffered.
While standing at my kitchen sink today, I vowed to myself that I would do at least two things every single day that make me feel normal, whether it's fixing my hair or makeup, or going for a walk outside. I will watch funny movies and tv shows and laugh as much as possible. I will pray and I will sing and I will continually give thanks. I will fight and fight and fight some more. And I will win.
We went to my mom and dad's today and I found myself wishing we could just stay there. And maybe tomorrow I will take the two younger ones over there to hang out during the day. For some reason I am less "lonely" there even though there will be no one home. It somehow feels safer.
What is my deal? I told Mike tonight that I really wish I knew why this was happening. I bonded with Kinley almost instantly when we were in the hospital (much sooner than my other two) and for the first two weeks I couldn't take my eyes off of her. Now, when I look at her, I want to run. I feel utterly empty.
Mike, being the amazing husband that he is told me that I can't ask questions like why it's happening because it just is. It's just so frustrating to feel so incredibly lost and hopeless. I am a person who is normally IN LOVE with my life. And it's killing me to not be able to feel that right now. It's as if something vital in me died and is gone forever. And I am paralyzed. I have no idea what to do now.
There will undoubtedly be someone reading this who doesn't understand at all. And that's okay. I am blogging about this because it's therapeutic for me and if I can help even one other mommy to know that she's not alone in feeling this way, then it wouldn't have been for nothing that I suffered.
While standing at my kitchen sink today, I vowed to myself that I would do at least two things every single day that make me feel normal, whether it's fixing my hair or makeup, or going for a walk outside. I will watch funny movies and tv shows and laugh as much as possible. I will pray and I will sing and I will continually give thanks. I will fight and fight and fight some more. And I will win.
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I say victorious. Recognizing what's going on is a huge step towards getting better.
How did today go?
Take good care and reach out to us...we're here for you.
I know this feeling.
I know it so so well.
I suffer from PPD/A and am fighting.
It's a lonely, suffocating feeling but I am surviving.
You will too.
It doesn't feel like it a lot of the time but you will.
Stay strong.
You have support.
We're here.
I think it's a step in the right direction that you while you don't understand why you feel the way you do, you do understand that it isn't normal for you. I say you are victorious because you are willing to fight, even though it's hard.
Will be praying for you.
You are so NOT a victim. Want to know why?
You recognize that this, the way you're feeling, isn't normal, and you're doing something about it. Even if that something is coming here and saying "I don't feel like myself and I don't like it."
Lean on us. We're here for you. The PPD Mama community is fiercely supportive.
Thank you so much everyone! Your support overwhelms me. Thank you, thank you.
Victorious...always victorious.
Everything is a baby step. What movie did that come from? (paraphrasing) First you breathe...the next day you breathe, then get up to brush your teeth. The day after that you breathe, brush your teeth, and eat. And so on...
You are doing it...and right now, while you don't feel the bond to the kids, it's there, just waiting for you when you are truly feeling better and better.
Oh man...sigh...do I know that feeling, and yeah it was a total shock after having a "joyful" postpartum after my first. After over six months of treatment for PPD/A I can say that those feelings are getting fuzy. This is not to say that I don't still struggle, but things are getting better. Good luck to you :)