Today has been somewhat better. That's a lie; it's been superb compared to the last several. However, it didn't start out superbly. Once again my husband had to leave for work at 4:30am. I can tell you that every morning this week that he's left for work I have had a total breakdown lasting anywhere from 20 minutes to 45 minutes and then recurring throughout the day. Yesterday he left at 4:30am and got home a little before 8pm. When he kissed me goodbye this morning while I was curled up in the fetal position on our bed, crying (better than a shoulder squeeze), he told me he would come home as early as humanly possible. I didn't believe him but said, "Ok.".
After getting Reagan off to school (special thanks going out to my mom for taking R to school the last 2 days), the morning started pretty rough. Caleb, for some reason, flips out any time you try to take his pants off to change his diaper. And by flipping out, I mean, literally, flipping. He kicks, screams, twists; they are absolutely the most awful tantrums I've ever seen. Normally, I can deal with his tantrums to an extent but in the midst of this horrible postpartum depression I feel....what are the words? I felt like I no longer wanted to be his Mommy while feeling my heart break into a million pieces at the same time. I wanted to collapse into a puddle of nothingness in the middle of his bedroom floor. I wanted to run and hide. I was numb.
We got through the diaper change and breakfast. Kinley woke up (for the day, I might add, as she hasn't napped longer than 10 minutes all day) shortly after. I changed her and fed her and began the normal routine of social networking. As I was sitting there holding her and surfing a dozen postpartum depression mommy blogs and other websites, the most disturbing thoughts began to enter my mind. I got up and began pacing in the kitchen on the verge of hyperventilating. I wanted to call my mom, "If something were to happen to me, you and Daddy would do everything in your power to make sure that "he" doesn't get R, right?". I couldn't figure out how to pose the question without raising suspicion.
I shook myself, realizing where my thoughts had gone and decided that I would try to do some journaling. I used to journal for several hours a day and hadn't done it in a few years. I thought it might be therapeutic. So, I sat down and began writing. Surprisingly, it was making me feel worse. I began to question God which lead to me questioning whether God was even there. Anyone who knows me knows that is absurd. I know God experientially, and yet, I anguishingly question Him when I'm at my lowest.
At that moment, K had a startle reflex and woke up. I looked down at her and she was studying my face so intently. I knew she was looking at me for validation (which I felt I would never be able to give her). I started to tell her the same out loud and the minute she heard my voice she flashed me the biggest most incredible smile that I've ever seen on a baby. I felt a laugh escape me and then I burst into tears. In the same second, I prayed to God in an 'Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?' type of prayer. [In the amplified Bible, this is translated 'My God, My God, why have You abandoned me (leaving me helpless, forsaking and failing me in my need?).] I got out my Bible and after reading for a little while began to feel like my priorities may be skewed lately.
Since then I have been much more peaceful, pleasant, and productive. I managed to wash and fold 4 loads of laundry. **MAJOR ACCOMPLISHMENT** I was able to laugh and play with C which has improved his mood dramatically. I took all three kids grocery shopping after picking R up from school without incident. We even started cloth diapers on K today which has gone well so far! Reagan and Caleb have played nicely and quietly in the playroom all afternoon and Kinley finally napped for about 30 minutes, leaving me to enjoy a glass of merlot-cab and blog away!
Without this streak of good fortune, I would have completely fallen apart when Mike messaged me to say his only server for the night called out on her last night on the job, meaning he would have to cover her shift. So, "as early as humanly possible" has turned into a 16+ hour day. I am dealing with this news well for the moment but the evening is still young.
I am trying to hang on to the happy moments where I feel like my former self while not taking them for granted. I am in fear of how dark the darkest moments are.
***5 hours later***
I made it! I got all 3 kids bathed on my own. Mind you, the baby had to cry for a little while on her own which bothers yours truly but she did not suffer too horribly.
Hubby is home now and we are discussing how much our love for one another is going to carry us through this horrible and, yet, wonderful time of our lives. I'm sure that as horrible as it all seems right now that one day we will be able to look back with fondness? Yes? No? Either way, I love my husband with my entire being and if he is by my side for only 4 hours out of a 24 hour day, that's good enough for me, even if that means I have to take medication to get through it.
The day is now over and Kinley has STILL not slept. She is lying wide awake in Mike's arms while he is fast asleep. Ugh, hope it's not a long night. I have learned not to take a single moment for granted. While I may have had a perfectly wonderful day and night does not mean that it will last. I'm so afraid of the darkness. But being the courageous soul that I am, I will embrace it for all that it means for me.
Chrissie, I <3 your blog. I can completely relate about "he" and R. My 6 yr old has a "he" that is (praise God) not in the picture and I always worry about "him" getting M even though he has never even met her. Terrifying is one way to put it. You are doing an awesome job. 3 is insane and add any kind of mental illness to the mix and wow. But I'm so proud of the way you handled it and ARE handling it. One day at a time. Which may amount to one hour at a time when you have a bad day where you feel completely abandoned and hopeless. My husband is working two jobs and I haven't seen him in a week. The one day he is home is Sunday and I work at my church. Then next week, same thing. I miss him, kids miss him. I completely get it about the fetal position cry. Completely normal! Been there more than twice!
Chin up!
Oh, the honesty of this. It took me back. I'm so sorry you are having these struggles, but know that you are not alone. Reach out for help if you need to. For the longest time I resisted and I just don't understand why I did when looking back on it. Thanks so much for the support and follow at my site on my SITS day! I will follow back and check in on you!
Elise, thank you for your comments! I'm sorry that anyone can identify with me because that means there are others going through this too. I've decided to post pictures of Hubby all over the house so the kids will remember what he looks like! Haha!
Thank you Kristy! Reaching out is the hardest part for some reason. I think we, as mothers, must think we should be able to do it all. It feels like admitting defeat at first. I actually feel so much better now that I don't have to pretend that I'm ok. Thanks for the follow!
You _are_ a courageous soul...and mom.