To have thought that I wanted something so badly, when the news came on Friday, you wouldn't have believed it. I shrank in fear and burst into tears, hanging on to the present for dear life. Amazing what a good night's sleep can do for you. The next morning I felt brave enough to reach out my hand toward the future. I felt like a child closing my eyes and turning my head while sticking my toe out toward the water, afraid it will be freezing cold. Thanks to many years of experience, I now realize much sooner that I can't live my life with one foot in the water and one foot on the shore, torn between the two. So, I let go....and clarity was the result.

Leaving home in the first place required a tremendous act of courage and faith on my part. I never dreamed it would be almost as difficult to go back. In my imagination, it was my leaving that opened up all of the possibilities for my dreams to come true. Blessings beyond my wildest dreams! My initial fear was that if I went back it would mean I was a failure or that all of the bad things that had caused me to want to leave in the first place would begin to happen again. Clarity was realizing that I had come full circle and it is now "time" for me to go home. I am a different person in most every sense of the word than when I originally left. My experience of "home" will be different this time. And the blessings continue to abound!

So, while I will miss pretty much everything about New England, I let go and leave a piece of my soul and spirit behind. I am excited about another adventure; one that I intend to fully immerse myself in. One that I go into with three amazing people and another amazing person on the way. I know that with them at my side and some blind faith, taking a leap can only land me right in the middle of His will for me.

Life is good, folks! Let go of what lies behind and embrace what is ahead! Story of my life. :)

There were several other synchronistic moments that lead up to that one but that was the one that made me pay attention. Since that moment, my life has been quite the unexpected adventure. And my dreams are coming true! It amazes me daily what has come to be by stepping out in obedience to Faith. There were times it seemed as if I was going the opposite of what ought to have been the easiest way to get where I needed to be. When "our" plan was for Mike to move to GA and then he accepted a position in Hawaii, nothing could seem more impossible. So, I left my comfort zone and I went too. The blessings that followed are innumerable. While some of "my" questions were left unanswered, we were unquestionably where we were meant to be. Our wedding was the most special and meaningful evening of my life.

Shortly after, we found out we were expecting Caleb. The move to Boston was another unexpected synchronistic event. It couldn't be a mistake that we were moving to the state where I was living when our relationship originally unfolded. It couldn't have been an accident that we ended up moving 17 miles away from the school I had been wanting to attend for the past 2 years. And then, again, it seemed like things were going backwards just to go forward. Nothing makes sense when it seems as if nothing is going your way. And then, stepping out just a little, doing something daring, gets things rolling again.

The last two months of my life have been the most joyous I have ever known. Mine and my family's future looks absolutely amazing. Now, I'm sure you can understand how sometimes a 'hitch' in 'your' plans can cause things to look bleak. So, I'm also sure you can sympathize with how shocked we were last weekend to discover that we would be adding a 5th family member in about 9 months or so. But if you read the opening paragraph of this blog entry I'm sure you also know that I don't believe in accidents.

Everything requires an adjustment period no matter how perfect or imperfect it may seem. A week of reflection was all I needed to become the happiest expectant mother on the planet. I have the most incredible, adventurous, and blessed life of anyone that I know, personally. Not only will this miracle of a child bless my husband and myself, but my other two children as well. The blessings are already obvious to me. In this one week, alone, I have realized that I love being "me"! On my amazing journey, I have come to discover who I am. It is so much easier to wake up in the morning and just be me instead of wishing I had someone else's life. I think there are a lot of people who struggle daily with themselves and I'm very happy to finally be at peace.

While this baby may not have been part of "our" plans, experience tells me that life is about to become much richer, more colorful, more exciting, and beyond anything that we could think, hope, or dream. (Eph. 3:20) I am more excited than I could possibly be!

Experience has also taught me that there are always people who, not only, will not share my excitement and enthusiasm, but will try to discourage me and bring me down. A benefit of knowing who I am and trusting Him in crazy Faith is that I've come to understand that the only opinions that matter are those of my husband and my children. How someone else feels about my choices and my life is their business. My bliss is no longer dependent on someone else. By the way, didn't you know that 3 is the new 2? Ha!

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew and approved of you..." Jeremiah 1:5

I think the defining symptom of heartbreak is a tightening in the chest and pressure in the head (probably from the welling up of tears). My heart broke for my little girl. I wanted so badly to jump out of the car, run to her, and hold her in my arms. Guess I'll have to wait until she gets home though. These are the kinds of things we can't protect them from forever.

What cruelty life is, that the most formative years of your life are also the most damaging. Did any of us ever have a chance to begin with? It's exhausting for me to think that my primary job as a parent is to combat the negativity and destruction that's done by the world. Perhaps if I edify her enough at home and keep her self-esteem at the center of my focus, she will be equipped to handle all of the heartache she will inevitably encounter outside of these walls. Perhaps?

Is it possible that we start forming our hard outer shells as early as Kindergarten? I think it would be interesting to see how many of us have personalities shaped in part by experiences we had in grade school. I know without a doubt that the majority of my insecurities formed in early elementary school and were fed all the way through high school. And that is how I was sent into the world. Surely, I spent the first ten years afterward attempting to overcome it all.

I suppose I don't really have a point for this. It's not as if the world is going to change because I typed a blog about getting my feelings hurt. I realize that this is not the first time this will happen and the heartbreaks will become more painful as the years go by and she gets older. I realize that, as a parent, I get to go through the misery of childhood all over again. Yay me!

Depressing thought of the day, complete! Now to enjoy my coffee while watching my 8 month old learn to walk. Little joys! Those are what make it all worth it.

In closing, here is a quote from one of my favorite movies. "If we're all alone, then we're all together in that too." --Kathy Bates in P.S. I Love You.