I just had my heart broken by two kindergarteners. How, you ask? I drove Reagan to school to drop her off as I normally do. We happened to arrive at the same time as the bus that her very best friend rides. She was so excited and flew from the car and never turned back. No goodbye waves and blowing of kisses as is our routine. She ran toward her friend, calling out her name. The moment she did, her friend and another little girl that she was with began running as fast as they could away from Reagan. Reagan called out again and started running after them and they just ran faster.
I think the defining symptom of heartbreak is a tightening in the chest and pressure in the head (probably from the welling up of tears). My heart broke for my little girl. I wanted so badly to jump out of the car, run to her, and hold her in my arms. Guess I'll have to wait until she gets home though. These are the kinds of things we can't protect them from forever.
What cruelty life is, that the most formative years of your life are also the most damaging. Did any of us ever have a chance to begin with? It's exhausting for me to think that my primary job as a parent is to combat the negativity and destruction that's done by the world. Perhaps if I edify her enough at home and keep her self-esteem at the center of my focus, she will be equipped to handle all of the heartache she will inevitably encounter outside of these walls. Perhaps?
Is it possible that we start forming our hard outer shells as early as Kindergarten? I think it would be interesting to see how many of us have personalities shaped in part by experiences we had in grade school. I know without a doubt that the majority of my insecurities formed in early elementary school and were fed all the way through high school. And that is how I was sent into the world. Surely, I spent the first ten years afterward attempting to overcome it all.
I suppose I don't really have a point for this. It's not as if the world is going to change because I typed a blog about getting my feelings hurt. I realize that this is not the first time this will happen and the heartbreaks will become more painful as the years go by and she gets older. I realize that, as a parent, I get to go through the misery of childhood all over again. Yay me!
Depressing thought of the day, complete! Now to enjoy my coffee while watching my 8 month old learn to walk. Little joys! Those are what make it all worth it.
In closing, here is a quote from one of my favorite movies. "If we're all alone, then we're all together in that too." --Kathy Bates in P.S. I Love You.
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