As I stand on the verge of one of life's most enormous changes, I contemplate what it all means for me and for my family. I feel as if I'm trying to find some way to prepare myself for the immensity of it. I'm not sure we're ever truly prepared for anything this big. It's like we naively throw the door open and jump through, never even looking to see if there's anywhere to place our feet on the other side. For myself, personally, I know it has to be this way. I know that I have to close my eyes, hold my breath, and just take the leap, knowing that I will land safely in the middle of His will for me. It is taking these kinds of chances and accepting the accompanying change that have made my life so beautiful. And yet, there are still moments where I feel frozen with fear and sadness at the very thought of change.
What is it about us humans? We are so driven toward change and yet not many of us are very good at letting go of the past. I think that's why many of us stay in a stalemate pattern. We try to put one foot in the future while keeping one foot in the past and we end up feeling stretched and torn. This may even be the reason why many people suffer from "depression". Being outside of God's will has that effect on me, so why not? It's very peculiar, though, that we should want to hang on so badly. We are so wired toward our memories. Certain songs, smells, and seasons evoke all kinds of memories and emotions, some so strong it can alter us physiologically.
At any end, I find myself not wanting to lose the dynamic that we have as a family of three. Every single day finds me wanting to hang on to every moment and longingly remembering the last five years of devoting the majority of my attention to Reagan only. While I know deep down that the imminent change that this baby will bring can only add to the love and joy in our family, I worry about my ability to balance the priorities in my life. I find myself with one foot in the door and one foot out; procrastinating about making the final preparations and thinking it will somehow hold off the inevitable, yet wanting more than anything to meet this child who has been a part of me for nearly ten months.
It's an overwhelming love for this child we planned for and wanted so badly, and the very blessing that we received him without strife and struggling and heartache that fuel me toward the unknown with an attitude of hopeful excitement. And so I remind myself that as I've done in the past, I must let go of what lies behind and fully embrace what is ahead of me. And in doing so, I know that everything will work out beautifully and my life will be so much richer. On that note, I think I am once again ready to close my eyes, hold my breath, and step out into the middle of His will for me.
Come on, Baby Caleb, we are ready to meet you!
"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy, for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another." - Anatole France
[This brings to mind the chrysalis, which is another post for another day. :)]
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Your boundless faith is so inspiring. I can't help but think that my life would feel more complete if I had that. There are so many things that I have not yet examined about life, either outside or inside of myself.