It's been almost 3 months. The 4th trimester is nearly over. And can I say....Thank God!! Since this is my personal blog (check the title), I feel I can and should be completely honest here. My hormones are finally beginning to get in check after a year of total craziness. And when I say beginning, that is exactly what I mean. I mean, I'm still all over the place. And what blows my mind about it all is that Sunday is mine and Mike's first wedding anniversary. Wow!!! I can hardly believe it's been a year. A year ago that we started trying for our little guy. In a couple weeks will be the anniversary of when I got my BFP (Big Fat Positive for those of you who don't know BoardSpeak, lol). I will never forget that day as long as I live. I just can't fathom that it's really been a year and now my little man is almost 3 months old. I remember it like yesterday.
But that was the beginning of all the craziness. It wasn't exactly the easiest pregnancy on me, labor was a downright nightmare again, delivery wasn't so bad this time, but stage 3 nearly took me this time around. And then I'm just expected to be happy and content that I have a perfect, healthy baby immediately following. Ofcourse I'm ecstatic but there's this issue of hormones that still hasn't settled........Fast forward before I get in trouble.
Caleb is my absolute heartbeat. I am crazy about him. My heart twists and flips and skips and melts into a puddle when I see his amazingly cute smile. My heart breaks when he gives me the pouty lip and now that he's finally trying to laugh (I've been waitng since the day he was born to hear him laugh) I cry when he does. I can't take my eyes off of him.
The most horrible feeling in the world is having the most amazing gift and not being able to enjoy it fully. What the world forgets to tell you when you become a new mommy is that is completely normal during the first few months. I want to know why people think you just go from pregnant to not pregnant and totally happy all on your delivery day. It took 9 months to get that way, right? Is it not fair that it may take the same amount of time to go back to normal afterward? I'm tired of feeling obligated to be everything to everyone and go back to the way I was before all of this. I just can't. I'm not the same; I may never be the same. It's part of it. But I'm willing to embrace who I have become. I've realized that I'm not only capable of loving one person or two people more than anything on the earth, but that my love is big enough for three people. I've realized that it's easier to love 3 people than 2. I've realized that my life was never complete before Caleb came into it. But it will still take some time for me to adapt to a change of this magnitude and I'm sick of people expecting it to come automatically.
In addition to adapting to the change in the dynamic of my two most important relationships I am trying to figure out how the "me" who existed before all of them fits in. I desperately want to fulfill the dreams that were put into my heart before any of these relationships existed. They've been placed on the back burner for far too long and I feel they're crying out to be pursued once again. It's the "what about me" personality.
So, again I've turned inward to figure out the inner depths. In doing so, I've figured out that I miss Home and I miss Hawaii. I am conflicted so much. I think each place is such a part of me that I don't know which I miss the most. :::Sigh:::
