Long lost blog #2
Chrissie
It's been almost 3 months. The 4th trimester is nearly over. And can I say....Thank God!! Since this is my personal blog (check the title), I feel I can and should be completely honest here. My hormones are finally beginning to get in check after a year of total craziness. And when I say beginning, that is exactly what I mean. I mean, I'm still all over the place. And what blows my mind about it all is that Sunday is mine and Mike's first wedding anniversary. Wow!!! I can hardly believe it's been a year. A year ago that we started trying for our little guy. In a couple weeks will be the anniversary of when I got my BFP (Big Fat Positive for those of you who don't know BoardSpeak, lol). I will never forget that day as long as I live. I just can't fathom that it's really been a year and now my little man is almost 3 months old. I remember it like yesterday.

But that was the beginning of all the craziness. It wasn't exactly the easiest pregnancy on me, labor was a downright nightmare again, delivery wasn't so bad this time, but stage 3 nearly took me this time around. And then I'm just expected to be happy and content that I have a perfect, healthy baby immediately following. Ofcourse I'm ecstatic but there's this issue of hormones that still hasn't settled........Fast forward before I get in trouble.

Caleb is my absolute heartbeat. I am crazy about him. My heart twists and flips and skips and melts into a puddle when I see his amazingly cute smile. My heart breaks when he gives me the pouty lip and now that he's finally trying to laugh (I've been waitng since the day he was born to hear him laugh) I cry when he does. I can't take my eyes off of him.

The most horrible feeling in the world is having the most amazing gift and not being able to enjoy it fully. What the world forgets to tell you when you become a new mommy is that is completely normal during the first few months. I want to know why people think you just go from pregnant to not pregnant and totally happy all on your delivery day. It took 9 months to get that way, right? Is it not fair that it may take the same amount of time to go back to normal afterward? I'm tired of feeling obligated to be everything to everyone and go back to the way I was before all of this. I just can't. I'm not the same; I may never be the same. It's part of it. But I'm willing to embrace who I have become. I've realized that I'm not only capable of loving one person or two people more than anything on the earth, but that my love is big enough for three people. I've realized that it's easier to love 3 people than 2. I've realized that my life was never complete before Caleb came into it. But it will still take some time for me to adapt to a change of this magnitude and I'm sick of people expecting it to come automatically.

In addition to adapting to the change in the dynamic of my two most important relationships I am trying to figure out how the "me" who existed before all of them fits in. I desperately want to fulfill the dreams that were put into my heart before any of these relationships existed. They've been placed on the back burner for far too long and I feel they're crying out to be pursued once again. It's the "what about me" personality.

So, again I've turned inward to figure out the inner depths. In doing so, I've figured out that I miss Home and I miss Hawaii. I am conflicted so much. I think each place is such a part of me that I don't know which I miss the most. :::Sigh:::




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Long lost blog #1
Chrissie
Lately, more than usual I've been missing the island. I miss the way the breeze would kiss my skin, especially in the early morning. I miss the sound of the Hawaiian music and ukuleles at the Village Market grocery store. I miss the sky, the countless stars, the ocean, and the mountains. I miss how safe I felt and was but took it for granted. I miss the sense of family and community, especially once I started to adopt it as my very own. I miss the rich culture and heritage that you can only appreciate after having lived there. There are no words to describe how the island 'adopts' you into its ohana after a time. And it stays with you always.
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Adrift....
Chrissie
I'm not really sure where I want to go with this. I'm actually setting out in no particular direction. And since it's my blog I am free to push off and let my thoughts go where they will. In any other forum, this could be a dangerous scenario given the physiological circumstances I find myself in. My due date was this past Thursday. I was even generous and gave the kid until 6am ET, midnight HST, since all of my dates were based on Hawaii time. Ironically, it seems the child really is going by "Hawaii time". ::::Deep sigh::::

I'm struggling with so many emotions. And they shift quickly before I've had a good chance to process them and work through them. It makes for very exhausting and long days. I'm so tired of waiting and there's nothing I can do to help the process along. I feel so helpless. Helpless, desperate, anxious, angry, and volatile. Lord help all the poor souls who have put their two cents in. I know with the logical side of myself that my friends and family mean well and that they think they're speaking out of love. There are just certain things that you do not, under any circumstances say to a pregnant woman in post-dates, especially when you, yourself, have never been in that position. ::::Another deep sigh:::: It will never cease to amaze me the amount of advise you receive from people who have never been pregnant before or never been in post-dates. This brings me to something else I've been mulling over and over....

I have been praying....A LOT....and crying in prayer for intercession. And yesterday, it struck me that I don't feel particularly comforted by this even though the Holy Spirit is supposed to be my Comforter, right? And what I would really like to feel is somewhat comforted by someone who has been there. My mother is the only person I know in 'real life' who has ever been in post-dates and can sympathize with what I am going through. But a certain scripture stood out in my mind yesterday and actually made me feel worse than anything I am physically going through right now. In Hebrews 2, the Bible says that Jesus is able to intercede on our behalf because he has been tempted and tried and tested in every way just like us. How can that possibly be true? How can Jesus intercede on my behalf if he has never been pregnant or even had a uterus for that matter? How can it be fair that God (being neither male nor female) chose to become flesh and experience human life as a male, yet be a representative for females also? How am I, as a female, supposed to be able to relate to a deity that, at times, I feel can't relate to me? ::::Even deeper sigh::::

Mike tells me that now is not the time to question my faith. I need to make perfectly clear that I am in no way questioning my faith. Questioning God, yes; my faith, no. Isn't it totally natural for us to question God? I mean, isn't that why He gave us a book of answers? He intended for us to have questions. I just don't see the answer to my question anywhere in the book and hear nothing but silence when I question aloud. Occasionally, there is the resounding "Patience" or "Wait". Well, I guess since that's the only choice I have.....geez.

In spite of my questions and even my doubts I still have complete trust that His plan for me is good. My baby will be born at the perfect time, the time that God has appointed for me and for Caleb. I have faith that He is lining everything up for me to have the experience with this birth that I've been wanting because He delights in giving us the desires of our hearts. I know that all things work together and fit into a plan for our good.

I should probably stop now. I'll just continue waiting, dodging insensitive comments from well-meaning folks. And once the baby finally gets here, I'll have to dodge even more unrequested advice about all things "baby" from more well-meaning friends/family; probably even strangers. Ha! And everyone wonders why I'm so anti-social and border on a hermit. ::Shaking head and deep sigh::


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Change
Chrissie
As I stand on the verge of one of life's most enormous changes, I contemplate what it all means for me and for my family. I feel as if I'm trying to find some way to prepare myself for the immensity of it.  I'm not sure we're ever truly prepared for anything this big.  It's like we naively throw the door open and jump through, never even looking to see if there's anywhere to place our feet on the other side. For myself, personally, I know it has to be this way. I know that I have to close my eyes, hold my breath, and just take the leap, knowing that I will land safely in the middle of His will for me. It is taking these kinds of chances and accepting the accompanying change that have made my life so beautiful. And yet, there are still moments where I feel frozen with fear and sadness at the very thought of change.

What is it about us humans?  We are so driven toward change and yet not many of us are very good at letting go of the past.  I think that's why many of us stay in a stalemate pattern.  We try to put one foot in the future while keeping one foot in the past and we end up feeling stretched and torn.  This may even be the reason why many people suffer from "depression". Being outside of God's will has that effect on me, so why not? It's very peculiar, though, that we should want to hang on so badly. We are so wired toward our memories.  Certain songs, smells, and seasons evoke all kinds of memories and emotions, some so strong it can alter us physiologically.

At any end, I find myself not wanting to lose the dynamic that we have as a family of three. Every single day finds me wanting to hang on to every moment and longingly remembering the last five years of devoting the majority of my attention to Reagan only.  While I know deep down that the imminent change that this baby will bring can only add to the love and joy in our family, I worry about my ability to balance the priorities in my life.  I find myself with one foot in the door and one foot out; procrastinating about making the final preparations and thinking it will somehow hold off the inevitable, yet wanting more than anything to meet this child who has been a part of me for nearly ten months. 

It's an overwhelming love for this child we planned for and wanted so badly, and the very blessing that we received him without strife and struggling and heartache that fuel me toward the unknown with an attitude of hopeful excitement. And so I remind myself that as I've done in the past, I must let go of what lies behind and fully embrace what is ahead of me.  And in doing so, I know that everything will work out beautifully and my life will be so much richer.  On that note, I think I am once again ready to close my eyes, hold my breath, and step out into the middle of His will for me.

Come on, Baby Caleb, we are ready to meet you!

"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy, for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another." - Anatole France

[This brings to mind the chrysalis, which is another post for another day.  :)]

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Beginnings
Chrissie
My intentions for On A More Personal Note are just that...more personal.  I wanted a forum to express a more personal, comtemplative side of myself, if for no other reason than simply "because".  So, please bear with me as I get the page set up and underway.  :)

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