I'm definitely ebbing. ::sigh:: One step forward, two steps back. Always. Be careful of the moment that you feel well enough to share your testimony because it is then that you are most likely to backslide.
I was finally beginning to feel like "my old self". I'm off the meds, building and growing my business, and loving my husband and kids. And my old not-so-great-pal Anger shows up. And I don't just mean anger, but rage. I can go from zero to raging faster than my kids can blame their brother or sister after spilling or breaking something in the house. And simple, everyday, very normal things can send me into a blinding rage. My blood pressure goes through the roof and I have very little control over the volume of my voice. I say something that makes the object of my rage at the moment feel like a total loser and then I'm left with regret, guilt, and a pounding headache.
And I don't know how to control it. And I don't know why I'm so angry. What I do know is that it seems to be related to my postpartum depression and anxiety. And I say that because the PPD/Anxiety feelings return when I'm angry. The hopelessness and despair return and the desire to walk out into heavy traffic (thankfully, we live in the country) and be done with it all.
I know, however, that today is almost over and that when I wake in the morning I will feel fine and full of hope once again. I will be a coffee guzzling warrior ready to take on the world. And hopefully nothing will push me off the deep end. For now, I just feel defeated.
I was finally beginning to feel like "my old self". I'm off the meds, building and growing my business, and loving my husband and kids. And my old not-so-great-pal Anger shows up. And I don't just mean anger, but rage. I can go from zero to raging faster than my kids can blame their brother or sister after spilling or breaking something in the house. And simple, everyday, very normal things can send me into a blinding rage. My blood pressure goes through the roof and I have very little control over the volume of my voice. I say something that makes the object of my rage at the moment feel like a total loser and then I'm left with regret, guilt, and a pounding headache.
And I don't know how to control it. And I don't know why I'm so angry. What I do know is that it seems to be related to my postpartum depression and anxiety. And I say that because the PPD/Anxiety feelings return when I'm angry. The hopelessness and despair return and the desire to walk out into heavy traffic (thankfully, we live in the country) and be done with it all.
I know, however, that today is almost over and that when I wake in the morning I will feel fine and full of hope once again. I will be a coffee guzzling warrior ready to take on the world. And hopefully nothing will push me off the deep end. For now, I just feel defeated.
